TO: Kimberly Clark

DATE:   June 9, 2012

RE:   Kleenex

Dear Kim,

It occurs to me every time I catch a cold that someone needs to work on the design for a better  Kleenex box.  Now, before we get too far along this road, let’s settle one thing.  No one this side of Nottingham calls it facial tissue.  Perhaps we are cowed by our inability to say “tis-s-s-yoo” without giggling but refuse to say “tish-oo,” and the campaign to call it a “paper handkerchief” failed for obvious reasons.  So the real point is that it’s Kleenex because no one has ever asked “do you have a Puffs?” Honestly, you can’t ask for “a Puffs.”  How many would you get?

There’s only one thing wrong with the Kleenex box.  It comes in a variety of lovely designer colors and an assortment of convenient sizes.  But no matter what color or size, there comes a point where you can no longer get the Kleenex out of the box.

If you’re honest about it, Kim, you’ll admit it’s even happened to you.  You pull one Kleenex out, and the next one pops up behind it.  You pull that one out – because one Kleenex is not enough, no matter what you plan to use it for – and the next one falls back into the box. And there it hides, shielded by the cellophane that is supposed to make it possible for the Kleenex to pop up.  Instead, that thin sheet of clear plastic now makes it impossible to get a Kleenex at all.  You stick your finger into the box and try to snag the next one, and you fail.  You put two fingers into the slot and end up pulling up forty five or fifty Kleenexes and the fifty-first one falls back into the box again.

You turn the box upside down and try to grab hold of the top Kleenex but it won’t budge.  I’ll admit to not having the patience of Job, unless Job had a nose full of snot, a headache, sore throat and more than a few anger management issues, but come on, there must be some good way to get the damned tis-s-s-yoo out of the box.  Something has to be done.

Allow me to propose two alternatives.  First, the box should be patterned after the napkin dispensers at fast food restaurants.  Simply put, the bottom of the box should be spring-loaded so that the Kleenex is always accessible at the mouth of the box.  Granted this will make the box much more expensive than the Kleenex, and not the least bit recyclable but it will solve the problem.

The second possibility is to include with each Kleenex box a long, slender sliver of wood with a small piece of Velcro attached to it.  (The nubby side of Velcro, not the furry side).  This will enable the user to slip the sliver into the cellophane slit and snag the offending fallen Kleenex.

Glad to help,

Lee