Michele Bachmann

In Just One Week

~ Lee Swanson ~ 1 Comment

The week between Christmas and New Year is supposed to be slow in the news business.

Donald Trump left the Republican Party and changed his registration to unaffiliated, causing unaffiliated voters everywhere to reconsider their lack of commitment.

Rick Perry was asked about the proposed Keystone oil pipeline from Canada to Texas.  He’s in favor of it because “Every barrel of oil that goes south is one barrel of oil that we will not have to import from foreign countries.”  I’m not making this up.  You don’t have to make up stuff about Rick Perry.  He does it to himself. Maybe he knows something about Canada that the rest of us don’t, like that it’s really part of Montana?

Aren’t you going to miss Rick when he packs up and goes back to Texas?

Gary Johnson became the fourth candidate to officially leave the Republican Party presidential cavalcade (Not counting those who were courted but refused to run in the first place, including Mitch Daniels, Chris Christie, Haley Barbour, Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Jeb Bush, Bobby Jindal, Paul Ryan, John Thune and the aforementioned Trump) and became the Libertarian Party’s tenth candidate for president. In so doing, he went from obscure to invisible.

Rick Santorum is being talked about as a viable candidate.  Really.

Newt Gingrich, facing the prospect of finishing fourth in the Iowa caucuses, continued his positive campaign by promising not to say anything negative about the people he considers incompetent ignoramuses who are challenging him for the nomination.

Gingrich proved unable to find 10,000 people in Virginia – the state where he lives – to sign a piece of paper saying he ought to be allowed to run for president.  Not that they would work for him, vote for him and even consider him, but just that he should be allowed to run if he wants.  Having failed to thus qualify for the primary ballot, Gingrich declared Virginia has a “failed system” because nothing is ever his fault. He then announced he would launch a vigorous write-in campaign, unaware that his home state does not allow write-in candidates in primaries.  If he didn’t know that as a resident or a presidential candidate, then as a self-described renowned historian he should have know Virginian has never in its history allowed write-ins in primaries.

Michele Bachmann’s Iowa campaign manager quit her campaign because, he said, she couldn’t win the nomination.  Later that day he joined Ron Paul’s campaign, presumably because he thinks Paul can win.  Bachmann claims the campaign manager told her he was given a large sum of money to defect.  What he really said was more along the lines of “you couldn’t pay me enough to vote for you.”

Mitt Romney campaigned at a corporate headquarters in Des Moines where he spoke mostly to the building because, as only he knows, corporations are people.

It appears likely either Romney or Ron Paul will finish first in the Iowa caucuses.  Either way, Romney wins.

The Night They Drove Old Herman Down

~ Lee Swanson ~ 1 Comment

If only we had listened to The Band, none of this Herman Cain pizza-candidate-for-president would have happened.

http://youtu.be/-VShpcqd3zE

As Robbie Robertson would have us think this was the story:

Virgil Caine is the name, and I served on the Danville train, ‘Til Stoneman’s cavalry came and tore up the tracks again. In the winter of ’65, We were hungry, just barely alive. By May the tenth, Richmond had fell, it’s a time I remember, oh so well, The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down, and the bells were ringing, The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down, and the people were singin’.  They went La,  La, La, La, La, La,     La, La, La, La, La, La,    La, La,

Back with my wife in Tennessee, When one day she called to me,  “Virgil, quick, come see, there goes Robert E. Lee!” Now I don’t mind choppin’ wood, and I don’t care if the money’s no good. Ya take what ya need and ya leave the rest, But they should never have taken the very best.  Like my father before me, I will work the land,  Like my brother above me, who took a rebel stand. He was just eighteen, proud and brave, But a Yankee laid him in his grave, I swear by the mud below my feet, You can’t raise a Caine back up when he’s in defeat.

But here’s what we know today:  Sing along

Herman Cain is the name, and I rode on the campaign train ‘Til Ginger White came along, and tore up the tracks again. In the fall of eleven, we were debatin’ and stayin’ even. I went on CNN.  It’s a time I remember, oh so well.

The night they drove old Herman down, and all gals were lyin’ The night they drove old Herman down, and the people were singin’. They went Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine.

Back with my wife in Sandy Springs, and one day she called to me, “Herman, quick, come see, there’s another one on TV!” Now I don’t know about Uzbeka-beka-stan, and I don’t care about the also-rans. Ya take what you know and ya praise the lord, But they never should have taken Ginger’s word.

The night they drove old Herman down, and all gals were lyin’.  The night they drove old Herman down, and the people were singin’. They went Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine .

Like my father before me, I will work real hard, And like my mentors above me, I’ll have a radio show.  We were on our way to the top, dodgin’ Libya and harassment claims I swear by the mud below my feet, You can’t raise a Cain back up when he’s in defeat.

And that’s tonight’s lesson for Mitt and Newt and Ron and Rick and Michele and the other Rick and Jon and Andy and Fred and Jimmy and Tom and Buddy and Matt and Vern.

Sleep well America.  Another idiot has fallen by the wayside.  Only 13 more to go.

2016: The In Crowd

~ Lee Swanson ~ Leave a comment

Pundits are back pedaling so fast on their predictions for the Republican nominee for President that they are bumping into themselves coming forward with new predictions.

There were the “don’t underestimate Michele Bachmann” pundits, the “Sarah Palin must be running because why else would she be doing this” pundits, the “Huckabee has a lock on the Christian right” pundits, and the “(fill in the blank) will surprise a lot of people” pundits.

Standing apart, in a swirling sphere of his own is poor, hapless George Will.  In 2007 Will said that the candidate who had a lock on the Christian right and was the one to watch for the nomination was Sam Brownback, who dropped out after the Iowa Straw Poll.

In 2010, Will said the clear Republican choice to challenge and defeat Barbara Boxer in California was Chuck DeVore who finished third in his party’s primary to Carly Fiorina and Tom Campbell. Boxer went on to handily defeat Fiorina.

This year Will had his act together.  And he knew as early as May.

 “This is the most open scramble on the Republican side since 1940 when Wendell Willkie came out of the woodwork and swept the field.  I think — people are complaining this is not off to a brisk start. I think that’s wrong. I think we know with reasonable certainty that standing up there on the West front of the Capitol on Jan. 20, 2013 will be one of three people: Obama, Pawlenty and Daniels. I think that’s it.”

George Will is the Sports Illustrated cover of political punditry.

I’m not going to claim to be of that caliber.  I’m not going to claim to have any political acumen at all.  But if you look at the trend, you can see who will be a serious contender for at least a day in 2016.

Mayor Bruce In of East Fairmont Oklahoma.  Never heard of him?  Doesn’t matter.  It’s all about the trend.

In 2008, the Republican nominee was John McCain.  Right now the Republican frontrunner is Herman Cain.  Doesn’t take a genius to spot the trend:

McCain – [Mc]Cain – [Ca]In.

Being mayor of East Fairmont isn’t a full time job.  It does pay ten dollars a meeting, but a fellow needs a little something more to sustain himself.  Mayor In is a dentist. And don’t try to trip him up with fancy reporter “gotcha” questions.  He knows all the ways to twist the “the doctor is in” joke.

Is the doctor In?

Yes.

May I see him?

He’s not here.

I thought you said he was In.

He is.

Well then I’d like to see him.

He’s out.

He’s out?  I don’t understand.

What’s there to understand?  In is out.

In is out?

That’s what I said.

And I suppose Black’s white and Wright’s left.

As a matter of fact…

Do I expect the professional pundits to spot this trend and get In on it?  Will won’t.