GOP

The Night They Drove Old Herman Down

~ Lee Swanson ~ 1 Comment

If only we had listened to The Band, none of this Herman Cain pizza-candidate-for-president would have happened.

http://youtu.be/-VShpcqd3zE

As Robbie Robertson would have us think this was the story:

Virgil Caine is the name, and I served on the Danville train, ‘Til Stoneman’s cavalry came and tore up the tracks again. In the winter of ’65, We were hungry, just barely alive. By May the tenth, Richmond had fell, it’s a time I remember, oh so well, The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down, and the bells were ringing, The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down, and the people were singin’.  They went La,  La, La, La, La, La,     La, La, La, La, La, La,    La, La,

Back with my wife in Tennessee, When one day she called to me,  “Virgil, quick, come see, there goes Robert E. Lee!” Now I don’t mind choppin’ wood, and I don’t care if the money’s no good. Ya take what ya need and ya leave the rest, But they should never have taken the very best.  Like my father before me, I will work the land,  Like my brother above me, who took a rebel stand. He was just eighteen, proud and brave, But a Yankee laid him in his grave, I swear by the mud below my feet, You can’t raise a Caine back up when he’s in defeat.

But here’s what we know today:  Sing along

Herman Cain is the name, and I rode on the campaign train ‘Til Ginger White came along, and tore up the tracks again. In the fall of eleven, we were debatin’ and stayin’ even. I went on CNN.  It’s a time I remember, oh so well.

The night they drove old Herman down, and all gals were lyin’ The night they drove old Herman down, and the people were singin’. They went Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine.

Back with my wife in Sandy Springs, and one day she called to me, “Herman, quick, come see, there’s another one on TV!” Now I don’t know about Uzbeka-beka-stan, and I don’t care about the also-rans. Ya take what you know and ya praise the lord, But they never should have taken Ginger’s word.

The night they drove old Herman down, and all gals were lyin’.  The night they drove old Herman down, and the people were singin’. They went Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine .

Like my father before me, I will work real hard, And like my mentors above me, I’ll have a radio show.  We were on our way to the top, dodgin’ Libya and harassment claims I swear by the mud below my feet, You can’t raise a Cain back up when he’s in defeat.

And that’s tonight’s lesson for Mitt and Newt and Ron and Rick and Michele and the other Rick and Jon and Andy and Fred and Jimmy and Tom and Buddy and Matt and Vern.

Sleep well America.  Another idiot has fallen by the wayside.  Only 13 more to go.

Coincidence?

~ Lee Swanson ~ 2 Comments

Time was, if I told someone I grew up in Minnesota I would get one of two reactions; either, “Oh, Min-n-ne-s-o-h-t-ah” in what they thought was a Scandinavian accent or, “B-r-r-r, it’s cold there.”

I had answers for those; “ya-a-ah” a three syllable word in what truly is a Scandinavian accent or, “nine months of winter and three months of bad sledding.”

Times were simpler then. Now, if I mention Minnesota, people invariably say “Ooh, Michele Bachmann.”

Rather than roll my eyes and shrug, I have decided I need a snappy comeback.  Something that will explain that a geographic quirk of fate is the only thing she and I could possibly have in common.

After all, I have one “l” and two “e’s” in my first name and two “n’s” in my last name.  She, on the other hand has….ONE “L” AND TWO “E’S ” IN HER FIRST NAME AND, OH MY GOD, TWO “N’S” IN HER LAST NAME.  But I have ten letters in my name; she has fifteen letters in her name.  I’m five years older than she is.

Five, ten and fifteen are all divisible by five. Coincidence, or conspiracy?  We could be twins.

But really, that’s all there is to it. I swear.

When she announced she was running for President, she confused John Wayne and John Wayne Gacy.  I would never make that mistake.  Serial killer Gacy lived in a city where I worked for a time – Waterloo, Iowa – where Bachmann was born.  That can’t mean anything.  It’s just a quirk, a fluke, an accident, a mistake, a total embarrassment to me.

Is it too late to claim I was born in Kenya?

-0-

Funny little side story about Waterloo Iowa.  After Gacy was tried and convicted of murdering 33 teenage boys, someone sent a pen to the television station newsroom where I was working.  It was one of those cheap promotional pens, probably very similar to the pen that’s nearest to you right now.  And it was imprinted “John Gacy for President – Waterloo Jaycees.”

I guess when he (and Bachmann) lived in Waterloo in the sixties he was active in the Jaycees and was named “outstanding vice president.”  So he decided to run for president and had those pens made up.  For a day, I had that pen in my desk drawer.  The next morning it was gone.  I’ve regretted it ever since.

So you want to talk about coincidences?  Michelle Bachmann of Waterloo Iowa mentioned John Wayne as being from her hometown when it was actually John Wayne Gacy who is from Waterloo Iowa, and both Bachmann and Gacy ran for president.  And the happiest coincidence:  neither of them wins.