Science has always been a subject to be avoided in my life. I took just barely enough science credits in college to meet the minimum requirements, and put in the minimum effort to get through them. And that’s the last thought I gave the subject.

And then I got cancer.

Not that studying the subject on the Internet sheds much light. Most of the research is filed as papers aptly called “abstracts” and that would be fine if it weren’t so real and decidedly non-abstract to me.

And then there’s the problem that none of the abstracts or other material is written in English. Some of it is literally not written in English and the rest of it is not written in a syntax any reasonably intelligent person can understand.

So this week I’m starting a clinical trial with only the most rudimentary understanding of what the pill is that I will be taking and what good it can be expected to do. On the other hand, the 40 page single spaced consent form is pretty good at spelling out in plain English what bad things the pill might do. Fever, sweats, chills, flu-like symptoms, cough, shortness of breath, feeling very tired, vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, irregular heart beat, muscle aches, skin rashes, burning when urinating. Dogs that have taken the drug have seen their hair turn gray and their sperm count go down. Some mice have had hearing loss. And then the big one: TLS, Tumor Lysis Syndrome. This more or less means that the pill does such a good job of killing cancer cells and shrinking tumors that the kidneys can’t handle it all, making uric acid and potassium levels go up so the kidneys and heart stop working. Not to worry, they promise to watch out for signs of that.

The good news is pretty much spelled out in one sentence: Laboratory and animal studies and early clinical data have shown that the study drug kills cancer cells and causes tumors to shrink.  What more do you need to know?

But here’s what I’ve figured out more on less on my own. The pill is called ABT-199 and it apparently attacks the alphabet. They are giving it to me because I have CLL, and one of the things that keeps CLL cells alive longer than your average white cell is a protein called Bcl-2. (I thought protein came from hamburger and eggs, but apparently there’s a little more to it than that). Bcl-2 seems to only attach itself to CLL cells. So, they have pretty good evidence (I hope) that ABT-199 will run around in my veins playing Pac-Man against Bcl-2 and eating it up.  That knocks the CLL cells out of the game. If it works well enough, game over, I win. If not, well, buy more tokens and play something else.

The game starts Wednesday morning. I’ll be in the hospital for two days while they give me the first two doses and then stand back to see what happens. But don’t hold your breath. It’s about a two year study. The good news, when it comes, will take a while.

(Seemingly unnecessary disclaimer: No one should base any decision on, or give any credence whatsoever to the information and opinions expressed in this column.  )