Today, I want to tell you about something that bothers me. I want you to know about it because maybe it bothers you too. And if it doesn’t yet, it will after you read this.

It’s something people do often when they accept an award or honor. When Steve Thomma gave his “farewell” address as president of the White House Correspondents Association he must have done it at least a dozen times. He had a bunch of people to thank and as he mentioned each one of them he said “I want to thank” the board, I want to thank the committee, I want to thank my editors, I want to thank my co-workers, I want to thank the waiters, I want to thank the caterer, I want to thank my family.” Maybe he did that so that Joel McHale wouldn’t be the worst speaker of the evening, but I suspect it was just that he didn’t know any better.

Toni Atkins was sworn in as Speaker of the California Assembly today and she did it too. “I want to thank my spouse, I want to thank the outgoing speaker, I want to thank the governor, I want to thank .. I want to thank.. I want to thank….”

Halfway through the speech I’m screaming at the television. You’re standing at the podium, the microphone is on, everyone in the room is looking at you, just go ahead and thank these people if that’s what you want to do.

I want to know why people do this. If there were degrees I could understand it: I want to thank these people, I need to thank those people, I’m expected to thank that guy, I have to thank her or she’ll write me out of her will, I’m going to thank him because it will mystify everyone. But they don’t do that. It’s always “I want to thank…” The speech would take up half the time if they would just say thank you. Or for that matter, call them later and thank them, and spend the time at the podium saying something meaningful.

That’s what ought to be done and it would make a big impression. So remember that if you ever have to give a speech at an award show. Say something meaningful. People will go away thinking you’re very bright. It’s good advice.

You can thank me later.

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I read something funny today. Funny odd, not funny hilarious. The football coach at the University of Minnesota is doing a road trip around the state, ostensibly to thank the people who support the team, but more than likely to try to drum up ticket sales.

Anyway, in making the announcement, the intern in the sports information office who wrote the release said the coach would be traveling across “Greater Minnesota”. I remember, when I lived there forty-some years ago, that Minnesotans would talk about the Greater Metropolitan area, which meant not just Minneapolis and St. Paul, but the entire Seven County Mosquito Control District.

But Greater Minnesota?

I thought maybe that meant the coach would be going to places not only in Minnesota but also a few in Wisconsin, Iowa and North and South Dakota because how else could it be Greater Minnesota. (Never mind that Minnesotans believe Wisconsin, Iowa and the Dakotas constitute Lesser Minnesota; places that just wish they were Minnesota). But no, all the stops are in Minnesota; places like Park Rapids, Owatonna, St. Cloud, New Ulm, Red Wing and Coleraine. The garden spots.

Someone needs to have a little talk with the intern in the sports information office.