Watching a rerun of Saturday Night Live, I was struck by something odd. First you have to understand that here on the West coast every Saturday Night Live is a rerun—we used to call it Saturday Night Taped—but this one just happened to be on at two in the afternoon. And the odd thing was not Ben Affleck’s Jimmy Stewart’s impression.

It was a Kia commercial that touted the Sportage as the “highest ranked sub-compact CUV in initial quality in a tie, according to J. D. Powers.” I thought it was an SNL parody but it was real. It just should have been a parody.

A CUV, for the uninitiated, is a “crossover utility vehicle,” which makes it a little sports utility vehicle. And a sub-compact crossover utility vehicle is a microscopic sports utility vehicle, suitable only for small sports like marbles, darts and fantasy football.  (Which, coincidentally, are all on the list to be included in the 2020 Olympics).

There aren’t a lot of sub-compact CUVs but according to one headline “Volkswagen Plans to Enter the Sub-Compact CUV Market in a Big Way.” Seems contradictory.

The Kia Sportage is proud to be the “higest ranked… in initial quality in a tie.”  I’ve never seen a car wear a tie, but it is apparently an option available on sub-compact CUVs. Windsor, four-in-hand, bolo or bow now available.

And “initial quality?” They ask the owners what they think of the car after they’ve had it for ninety days. I don’t know about you, but when I buy a new car I figure the first three months ought to be pretty easy driving. So initial quality means it was in one piece when it was driven off the lot, and most of the wheels went around. And the Kia Sportage is tied in that category. With a Buick. “The Kia, just as good as a Buick, for three months.”

Along with wondering why they advertise that, I wonder why J.D. Powers even asks.

“What do you think so far?”

“Nothing bad has happened yet.”

Reminds me of the old joke about the guy who fell from a twenty story building and lived to tell about it.  He told the people on the nineteenth floor, the people on the eighteenth floor, the people on the seventeenth floor…

And remember, this doesn’t say it’s the best sub-compact CUV.  It’s “highest ranked sub-compact CUV in initial quality in a tie, according to J. D. Powers.” Don’t look for the bumper sticker any time soon.

Third place, since you’re dying to know, went to the Nissan Juke. The Juke. I thought that was a seedy joint with cheap liquor and a back room poker game. Someone should have told Nissan. With a better name it could have been a three-way tie.