Time was, if I told someone I grew up in Minnesota I would get one of two reactions; either, “Oh, Min-n-ne-s-o-h-t-ah” in what they thought was a Scandinavian accent or, “B-r-r-r, it’s cold there.”

I had answers for those; “ya-a-ah” a three syllable word in what truly is a Scandinavian accent or, “nine months of winter and three months of bad sledding.”

Times were simpler then. Now, if I mention Minnesota, people invariably say “Ooh, Michele Bachmann.”

Rather than roll my eyes and shrug, I have decided I need a snappy comeback.  Something that will explain that a geographic quirk of fate is the only thing she and I could possibly have in common.

After all, I have one “l” and two “e’s” in my first name and two “n’s” in my last name.  She, on the other hand has….ONE “L” AND TWO “E’S ” IN HER FIRST NAME AND, OH MY GOD, TWO “N’S” IN HER LAST NAME.  But I have ten letters in my name; she has fifteen letters in her name.  I’m five years older than she is.

Five, ten and fifteen are all divisible by five. Coincidence, or conspiracy?  We could be twins.

But really, that’s all there is to it. I swear.

When she announced she was running for President, she confused John Wayne and John Wayne Gacy.  I would never make that mistake.  Serial killer Gacy lived in a city where I worked for a time – Waterloo, Iowa – where Bachmann was born.  That can’t mean anything.  It’s just a quirk, a fluke, an accident, a mistake, a total embarrassment to me.

Is it too late to claim I was born in Kenya?

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Funny little side story about Waterloo Iowa.  After Gacy was tried and convicted of murdering 33 teenage boys, someone sent a pen to the television station newsroom where I was working.  It was one of those cheap promotional pens, probably very similar to the pen that’s nearest to you right now.  And it was imprinted “John Gacy for President – Waterloo Jaycees.”

I guess when he (and Bachmann) lived in Waterloo in the sixties he was active in the Jaycees and was named “outstanding vice president.”  So he decided to run for president and had those pens made up.  For a day, I had that pen in my desk drawer.  The next morning it was gone.  I’ve regretted it ever since.

So you want to talk about coincidences?  Michelle Bachmann of Waterloo Iowa mentioned John Wayne as being from her hometown when it was actually John Wayne Gacy who is from Waterloo Iowa, and both Bachmann and Gacy ran for president.  And the happiest coincidence:  neither of them wins.